It’s nice to take some time to sit alone and think. February is my favourite month and I find myself thinking of February’s past. A lot has happened during the last 12 months. It’s been quite a year.

February 2012 marked the beginning of the pregnancy which gave us Joel. He is three months old now and we are all enjoying him as babies are meant to be enjoyed – that is, he is being thoroughly lavished with attention from us. Lucky boy with lots of siblings to fuss over him.

We celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary last week in what was one of the toughest weeks of our marriage so far I reckon. I suppose it’s because our marriage might now be considered a petulant teen. Or it could just be cracks showing the strain of the extra weight of a new baby, a new country, and some stressful issues all at once.

Moving back to Australia has been a good move for our family and I don’t regret it for a moment, but at the same time I wouldn’t call it easy. Not that others don’t have it harder. But still…I took some strain this year.

Probably the hardest thing has been the kids missing their friends and lacking buddies to play with during the week. Because we home school and they don’t get a ready made bunch of friends at school, making friends is something we have to be proactive about. There are plenty of active home schooling groups here with friendly people and fun, interesting activities, but I just haven’t had the energy to consistently get involved and really get connected. This also means we haven’t had the support that I think is essential to home schooling working, especially with a large family. It does take time. I know this. And we gave it just over 6 months. We still sorely miss our NZ friends.

I kept thinking that soon I will feel better…ever moving the goal posts…”it will be easier when the baby is born”…”it will get better once we’re through the new born stage”….”I just need a good night’s sleep”…”we’re just having a rough week”.

But there were too many rough weeks in a row, and we always said that we would regularly assess what is the best educational choice for the children . I haven’t had the energy to do the home schooling thing well, and that just isn’t fair on the kids. D & I also struggled to find time to be together to talk and were taking strain. I came to the sobering and a little painful conclusion that I am burnt out. Its the kind of tired that takes more than a few good sleeps to fix.

So we decided it would be best for everyone if we enrolled the children in school. The boys started last week and Emma will start next term. I don’t know if it will be permanent. I can’t think too far ahead right now. But so far I can say that it was definitely a good decision. They are settling in really well especially considering this is their first experience of school.

Actually now with just three at home during the day I really don’t know myself.  It’s been great though and when the others come home I am excited to see them which is the kind of Mum I know is inside me but who has been missing in action for a while.

I am consciously taking time to look after myself. I feel like I need to recover and that will take time and kindness. I have started journalling my way through to the other side. I might share some of that with you as I go.

Due to the warmer temperature and the imminent due date of this baby, I am rather puffy. My ankles disappear on hot days and my toes are like little sausages. In addition to this minor complaint, I have felt a steady and powerful build up of anticipation and  hormones. It feels a bit like the build up to a monsoon. Each day gets more intense, but you’re never sure if you’re right on the brink or if you still have days or weeks to go. Not my favourite experience. Anyway, I have compiled a list of things that every day become more evident as the birth approaches. Here’s hoping labour is just around the corner.

Insomnia

As evening approaches, I feel increasingly tired. I get ready for bed as usual, wind down with a book, tuck in to sleep and then it begins. Overwhelming and persistent restlessness.

It starts with wriggling to try to get comfortable with the gargantuan baby bump in the way. There are only two sleeping positions remaining. Left side or right side. Right side is generally out because I have the increasing need for feeling space in front of me and the claustrophobia of facing the middle of the bed forces me back onto my left side.

Then I get hot feet, so I stick them out the side. Then my legs get cold. Then I get restless leg syndrome and simply can’t keep still. Then inevitably, the baby starts wriggling uncomfortably. Or I get heart burn. Or thirsty. Or need to pee. And so it goes on. I get up and try all manner of things. Have a drink, go to the toilet, change clothes, have a shower, read a book, listen to music. It doesn’t seem to matter what I do, nothing settles me. It seems as though my body is simply determined and it WILL NOT SLEEP until the clock ticks around to approximately 1am.

Last night it was 1:45am…I climbed back into bed after a middle of the night shower and finally drifted off to sleep. This of course is all perfect preparation for the nights when I’ll be up with a baby who also simply WILL NOT SLEEP.

The Belly. How I see it.

Mood swings

One minute I’m feeling happy, energetic, motivated and positive about the birth. Then a family member happens to leave crumbs on the counter, or drips water on the clean floor, or leaves toys scattered about under my feet then beware of Hulk Mum. Screeching scoldings follow, and rants about having ‘Just cleaned this house!’ and “FIVE minutes! Can’t it just stay tidy for FIVE minutes?!” The tone of voice is piercingly unpleasant and whiney, the facial expression is dark and scary. 

Hell hath no fury.

But wait…only a few moments after the Hulk attack, scary Mum dissolves into a puddle of tears and slumps down on a chair and weeps out apologies for the rage. I feel like a terrible mother and wonder what I am doing with all these children and how on earth I am going to cope with another. I sniffle away for a while. The children are getting used to it and offer hugs or just quietly walk past and tell their Dad matter-of-factly “When I walked past Mum she was crying”. Which leads me to the next two.

Weeping

I think I have cried every day for the last 7-10 days. Under normal circumstances, I’m not a frequent crier. But wow. Various things can set me off at the moment.

At our trip to the beach last weekend, I cried because I wanted to swim, but it was a bit cold for me, so I cried in the hot sun for about 25 minutes at my own pathetic-ness.

The other day I cried because Ben was catching flies with his bare hands, and put one it a jar. It died and spawned all it’s disgusting little larvae out into the jar and the kids showed me. I cried because it was repulsive to me “Get it out! Get it out of the house, it’s disgusting!” I said as I burst into tears at the sheer yuckiness.

I cry when I realise how moody and difficult I am and how kind my husband and family are to put up with me so patiently.

I cry when I feel overwhelmed at all the things that are on over the next 2 months. Birthday (four of them), end of year events, Christmas, and of course a birth.

And when it all gets too much, I cry because I’m so tired of crying all the time. Yes. I know.

Nesting

Today I woke up feeling tired from lack of sleep, and could quite happily have spent the day in bed. However, around mid-morning, an overwhelming desire to have a clean and tidy house came over me and I found myself cleaning, sorting and tidying obsessively. Again, under normal circumstance, while I like clean and tidy, I’m not a clean freak. Today however, I want to rid my house of every grain of dirt, every dust bunny under the beds, and every grubby mark on the walls. I’ve wiped and swept and tidied random items away. I couldn’t wait a moment longer, and set up the birth pool, laid out towels and sheets and blankets and prepared baby clothes. The family are all well aware that the house has to stay tidy at all times because (and I quote Hulk Mum verbatim) :

“The labour will only start when everything is ready, so the house has to stay tidy all the time or the baby will NEVER come!”

And Hulk Mum believes that implicitly.

Tricky imposter contractions and twinges

By this I mean any of the following sneaky little things that make you feel like labour might actually be starting.

• Braxton Hicks contractions
• Sharp jabs and pains in the cervix (sorry)
• Lower back ache

These come and make themselves known, and just when you start to have a flicker of hope that Operation Deliver Baby is “Go for Launch” they all stop immediately and snicker away delighted that they have fooled you yet again. It’s worse now that it’s my 5th pregnancy and those sneaky little buggers STILL get me. Every. Single. Time.

Preoccupation with labour

Bet you can’t guess what I’m thinking about?

99% of the time I am thinking about the birth. The baby. The labour. The signs of labour.

Is everything ready? Will everything go smoothly? What time will it all happen? Will the children be good and happy throughout? Will the baby be in a good position? Will I bleed to death? Will I cope with the pain? Will the baby be normal? Will the midwife respect my wishes? Will I freak out or have a Hulk Mum attack during the labour? Will I ever go into labour? Will I be pregnant forever? Will the baby be ok? Will I deliver naturally? Is that a contraction I am feeling? Is it going to be today?

Etc. etc. ad nauseum.

Hence this post.

So who knows? It could be today, tomorrow or next week. These bizarre behaviours will continue to increase (God help us) and the intensity will build and build and I will cry and tantrum. But then suddenly it will be all happening and then it will be over and I’ll come back here all serene and euphoric and maternal, and tell you all about it.

However, it’s never an easy question to answer, because our approach to learning is so very different to the mainstream idea of school. Our approach to learning has evolved over the years, and sometimes when I try to explain it, I can hear what the other person might be hearing in my words and I know it all sounds a bit nutty. This article, however,  explains the gist of it nicely though, so I thought I’d post it here.

I Live Therefore I Learn

We’re still figuring it out as we go along, balancing the mundane necessities of everyday life, while trying to keep life rich and fresh and interesting. Some days it feels like we’re missing something…not quite hitting the sweet spot of really making the most of the opportunities in each day, but there are more good days than not and over time I feel like we’re definitely hitting it more often.

I haven’t been reading much lately…too much else going on with getting the house painted and getting rid of stuff, and packing boxes ready for our move. It’s still looking like a few months away, and has taken longer than we initially thought, but there is no particular hurry…apart from my own impatience.

It all started to unravel while I was in the shower when Samuel (2) hit Ryan (nearly 5) on the head with a broom handle. There was a loud protest but no tears so it wasn’t very hard.  I think it was an accident but I can’t be sure. Emma (9) came to the rescue with a bag of frozen peas to ice the sore head. I was receiving regular updates through the bathroom door, and I was dutifully shouting instructions back at them like this “LEAVE EACH OTHER ALONE! For goodness SAKE!”

So when I was informed that “Sam is stealing the peas!” I shouted back “EMMA! PUT THE PEAS BACK IN THE FREEZER!”

Apparently he got them back out because after my shower I found a kilogram of peas now defrosted and tipped all over the lounge floor, quite evenly spread from one room to the next. They were too soggy to vacuum, so I swept them into a pile. This is some of them:

While this was happening I asked Ryan to get the vacuum cleaner, and he had trouble plugging it in. Ben (7) came to his aid but not before accidentally leaning on the book shelf and tipping it resulting in this:

So when I heard a glass smash on the drive way  just a few moments later, I kind of flipped out.

Because there was a barefoot two year old to consider, I stopped cleaning up the peas to get to the glass, all the while letting rip with sighs, and groans, and the ranting began. “You’ve got to be joking, this is Ridiculous! Just stop it! Stop making messes! All of you! How can you make so much mess in such a short time? I’m sick of cleaning up disasters around here. I just can’t believe you guys!”

Glass done and onto the peas: “I can’t believe this…why didn’t you guys stop him and take the peas away!What the heck is going on around here?” I was quite focussed on my little rant and cleaning up as fast as possible in case something else happened…but I gradually became aware than Emma had placed something down on the carpet and was slowly, with head down leaving the room. Backwards. Strange. Then I saw this:

 I was completely undone and the rant dissolved away into unbridled laughter. I love these kids who are so wise and funny and light hearted. They don’t take life too seriously. Who cares really about peas on the carpet!?

The pages came from this book called M.O.M.  - Mom Operating Manual by Doreen Cronin, that Emma has taken out from the library this week.

GIRL INJURIES:

• Baby tooth extracted after accidentally twisting it out trying to open a bottle with her teeth.

BOY INJURIES: (not all the same boy)

• Burn to hand placed directly on stove element requiring medical attention
• Laceration to head requiring medical attention
• Burn to hand placed directly on fireplace door
• Near amputation of finger requiring surgery
• Burn to hand placed directly on bbq
• Baby tooth pulled out eating toffee apple
• Black eye due to falling from bench
• Laceration to head requiring stitches
• Burn to back of legs standing too close to fireplace
• Fractured leg after falling from bunk

Admittedly we have three boys and only one girl, but then she’s been here longer so that should even it out somewhat. This list doesn’t innumerable bumps and scrapes, but the boys are clear winners in those as well. Boys! My poor heart. There are still so many years ahead.

We were away for just under 24 hours but I came home refreshed and happy.

Since I got home around 5 hours ago I have:

• dealt with poo painting (pasty, clay coloured)
• arbitrated several arguments
• cooked dinner for 6
• done 2 loads of laundry
• taken out rubbish, recycling and compost
• consoled a very tired, very emotional and irrational child
• applied anti-fungal cream to a baby scrotum
• been thrown up on (think yoghurt)

I find getting back into the swing of family demands quite shocking after a day of adult time. I actually got to eat, sleep, go to the toilet, and hold conversation without being interrupted. Coming home felt quite overwhelming. I think I am an introvert.

Of course since coming home I have also:

• chatted to a friend and my sister-in-law
• downed a beer (and a half)
• laughed at scandalous knees
• kissed and cuddled my babies
• had astonishingly revolting facebook banter with my brother*
• handed out hokey pokey ice cream cones
• watched my kids play

So it’s not all poop.

*Ok so this bit did involve poop.

Number of times up to administer medication: 3

Number of times up to breast feed baby: 3

Number of times up to console child with ear pain: 2

Number of times up to turn off bright lights after child got up to change and left them on: 1

Number of times child found whimpering next to my bed: 2

Number of times I dreamed that the baby was crying: 1

Devastating realisations that dream was reality and that it was in fact morning and time to get up: 1

Total number of times I got out of bed: 11

Average minutes in bed between disturbances: 46

Total amount of sleep: Stuff All

(Number of months since I last slept through the night: 6.5)

Love you lot. Hope I have learned something to teach you

Travel: Make an effort to travel. It is good for you. Like vegetables but better. It will make your world bigger. You will learn that not everyone lives the kind of life you do, and you’ll be grateful. You’ll see that there are people better and worse off than you.  That people everywhere are both the same and different. And discovering them is wonderful. And it’s fun and fills you with adventure. Be warned that once you have traveled a bit you will never be the same again. You will be more curious, always longing for adventure and will find small mindedness infuriating. If you can’t travel for some reason, then until you can, read.

Read:  Read lots and lots of books. Read fiction and non-fiction, a wide variety of books. Old books, new books, classics, stories, history, and about people from all walks of life and cultures different to your own. The mind-expanding power of good literature is almost limitless. You can learn anything if you can read. Also, reading gives you language. It gives you new ideas, new thoughts, and new ways to communicate. A good book can be like an old friend, and a fresh story like a new one. And sometimes when people aren’t around, a book is a good place to find what you’re looking for. If you don’t know where to start, don’t worry. I have a whole list of books I hope you’ll all read one day. In fact they are required reading if you want to graduate this school of life we are living together, before you go off on your own.

Write: It is good to write things down. Write down your ideas, thoughts, dreams. Write down the good, the bad and the mundane. Start a journal and write your stories. Be ruthlessly honest. (Just don’t leave it lying around!) It will serve to remind you of who you are, what is important to you and where you want to go. Also, write for posterity. One day when you are long gone, one of your descendants might read and be inspired to read of your life. They will learn from your life lessons. They will know how you achieved your greatness whatever it may be.

There are so many things I love about this photo. They are all sitting on the couch watching a movie together, and munching nutri-grain. I love how they are sitting close, and Emma is holding Samuel. He’s so happy with her. And he has his enormous yellow dummy. Ryan is eating with a spoon. He calls it his ‘green spoon‘ even though it’s not green, and everyone in the family understands what he means and indulges him. Ben has his funny smile for the camera face on. Love these kids so much. I love that when I look at this photo I know them so well and in ways I can’t even put into words. I just look at their faces and I know them.