It’s nice to take some time to sit alone and think. February is my favourite month and I find myself thinking of February’s past. A lot has happened during the last 12 months. It’s been quite a year.

February 2012 marked the beginning of the pregnancy which gave us Joel. He is three months old now and we are all enjoying him as babies are meant to be enjoyed – that is, he is being thoroughly lavished with attention from us. Lucky boy with lots of siblings to fuss over him.

We celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary last week in what was one of the toughest weeks of our marriage so far I reckon. I suppose it’s because our marriage might now be considered a petulant teen. Or it could just be cracks showing the strain of the extra weight of a new baby, a new country, and some stressful issues all at once.

Moving back to Australia has been a good move for our family and I don’t regret it for a moment, but at the same time I wouldn’t call it easy. Not that others don’t have it harder. But still…I took some strain this year.

Probably the hardest thing has been the kids missing their friends and lacking buddies to play with during the week. Because we home school and they don’t get a ready made bunch of friends at school, making friends is something we have to be proactive about. There are plenty of active home schooling groups here with friendly people and fun, interesting activities, but I just haven’t had the energy to consistently get involved and really get connected. This also means we haven’t had the support that I think is essential to home schooling working, especially with a large family. It does take time. I know this. And we gave it just over 6 months. We still sorely miss our NZ friends.

I kept thinking that soon I will feel better…ever moving the goal posts…”it will be easier when the baby is born”…”it will get better once we’re through the new born stage”….”I just need a good night’s sleep”…”we’re just having a rough week”.

But there were too many rough weeks in a row, and we always said that we would regularly assess what is the best educational choice for the children . I haven’t had the energy to do the home schooling thing well, and that just isn’t fair on the kids. D & I also struggled to find time to be together to talk and were taking strain. I came to the sobering and a little painful conclusion that I am burnt out. Its the kind of tired that takes more than a few good sleeps to fix.

So we decided it would be best for everyone if we enrolled the children in school. The boys started last week and Emma will start next term. I don’t know if it will be permanent. I can’t think too far ahead right now. But so far I can say that it was definitely a good decision. They are settling in really well especially considering this is their first experience of school.

Actually now with just three at home during the day I really don’t know myself.  It’s been great though and when the others come home I am excited to see them which is the kind of Mum I know is inside me but who has been missing in action for a while.

I am consciously taking time to look after myself. I feel like I need to recover and that will take time and kindness. I have started journalling my way through to the other side. I might share some of that with you as I go.

Yes we bought a bus. She is an old school bus converted to a motorhome and is the newest member of our family.

We are looking forward to lots of adventures. In fact they have already begun as Doug had to drive her home all the way from NSW in a record breaking heatwave without air conditioning.  About 1700kms of hard work and discomfort for both of them (and Ryan who went along for the trip), but I think they became well acquainted during that and are possibly even slowly forming a firm friendship. I love her already.

The children likewise are enjoying getting to know her.

Even Sam seems to like her even though they had a little disagreement on the first day. He fell out, the step being a little higher that he thought and his two footed jump down to the gutter went awry.

I can’t wait to hit the road.

I’m a little bit scared of them. Even though they apparently only swoop during breeding season, they have beady eyes and a menacing look about them all year round. If I encounter them while out walking, I find myself trying to stare them down. But then I’m scared they’ll peck out my eyes, so I look away. Of course then I can’t see what they are up to, so I sneak a look and then alternate between hiding and staring while upping the pace and getting past as fast as possible. I keep wondering if they can sense my fear. I think they can.

Pink Galahs:

Watching them feed when I am out walking always makes me smile and a large flock of them wheeling over head is cool enough to really make my day. I like watching them walk around. They spend a lot of time feeding on fallen seeds on the ground.

Superb Blue Wren:

There is a little family living in our backyard. They are a bit shy, but if you keep your eyes open you will sometimes see them out and about. They are really tiny little things, and look like they might break. Every time I see one and call some family member or other to come and look, they dash away. Sneaky little things.

All the pics pinched from Wikipedia Commons.

There is something about January that feels fresh. I love the feeling of starting over at the beginning of a new year.

The kids pens and pencils were in such a mess. Lots of broken pencils and felts missing lids all in the bottom of a box in a jumbly mess. So uninspiring. It’s not surprising no one wanted to draw.

So today I made these  new pencil tins out of leftover scrapbooking papers my cousin gave me and some recycled food cans.

A fresh new pile of secondhand books is also new yearish. And considering my current reading rate this lot will probably keep me going for at least 6 months.

I am already reading The Hobbit, and a friend and fellow bibliophile has lent me her virgin copy of The Messenger by Markus Zusak, (which just proves how much she loves me), so I have more than enough reading material for a while.

My thumb for scale, and in case you mistakenly think I’m brave, the spider is on the outside trapped between the screen and the glass.

I once had one on my windscreen (on the inside) which scared the crap out of me. 

That is all. Strange blog post.

Filed under: Australia ]]> http://embejoetc.wordpress.com/2012/12/28/a-spider-visitor/feed/ 2 embejo Image http://embejoetc.wordpress.com/2012/12/23/hot/ http://embejoetc.wordpress.com/2012/12/23/hot/#comments Sun, 23 Dec 2012 07:01:36 +0000 embejo http://embejoetc.wordpress.com/?p=2897 ]]>

Did a bit of shopping. Gearing up for the big day, but mostly sitting around looking busy with worlds cutest 6 week old baby, and incredibly grateful for air conditioning.

39 degrees outside?

No problem, play in the sun, feeding hundreds and thousands to the ants.

 
Can’t find your Bob the Builder sunhat?

No problem, stick a beanie on your head.
Feeling sleepy?

Just lie down and have a nap on the floor.

We really hit the ground running, with an eventful week leading up to the birth, and there’s still a lot happening. The due date came and went…I spent some of the day out with Sam trying to distract myself from the fact that I was still pregnant.

 The Friday was Emma’s birthday and we spent the day at the pools with cousins and Uncle, and finished off with cheesecake. The following day she was treated to see the Russian ballet perform Swan Lake and went to that with her Aunty and cousin. I wished I could have joined them, but as it turns out I went into labour late that night so rather glad I didn’t. Especially since it was in Tanunda, about an hour or more drive away.

So this brings us to the early hours of Sunday morning. In labour –  contractions are sore enough not to sleep anymore, but not so bad I couldn’t take bad self portraits.

At 6am he was born with my family there and my excellent Gaskin-esque midwife offering support from the sidelines.(Ina May Gaskin is a new hero of mine – I will be telling every pregnant woman I know to read/watch as much of her material as possible) Doug delivered him straight into my arms and all was well. I have difficulty already remembering the pain, except that I do know that it was really really painful. For those interested in such things, like Ryan (my third born), he was a star gazer, meaning that although he was head down, he was facing the front which is the opposite to the ideal. In my experience it’s a more painful second stage, and the pain feels more scary or out of control and I’m really grateful for the encouragement and support of Doug and the midwives.

About an hour later and we were tucked up in bed where the two of us stayed for the rest of the day and most of the next two.

Two days later Ben’s birthday. He spent the day sliding down hills on ice blocks with the home schooling crowd, had Hungry Jacks for lunch and again, finished off with cheesecake at home. He had a party on Sunday at ten pin bowling.

Sunday night heralded the start of a gastro that swept through most of our family. Fortunately Joel and I escaped and didn’t get sick. but everyone else had their turn over a period of 48 hours, one night we had two boys taking turns vomiting through the night interspersed only by a baby waking for feeds. Wow, that was a fun way to spend the wee hours.

It left as quickly as it started though and by Tuesday we were all back on track, just in time for Doug to start work – an orientation day. My first day with all 5 children by myself, and by then we were all suffering a severe case of cabin fever. For me it was 9 days straight inside the house. So we headed out to the playground, Joel’s first outing at the park. It was a really hot day, the older kids played under the sprinklers at the playground and begged to swim at the beach, but I wasn’t quite ready to deal with 4 wet kids and a car full of sand.

Since then we’ve been busy with ballet rehearsals for Emma’s end of year show, and some children have been getting messy with food.

And what else?  Making the most of every moment and trying to savour these newborn things that don’t last very long at all – like fuzzy hair and brand new feet that have never been used.

Filed under: Ben, Emma, Family, Home Birth, Joel, On the Home Front, Ryan, Samuel ]]> http://embejoetc.wordpress.com/2012/11/25/two-weeks-later/feed/ 5 embejo Photo1337 Photo1217 Photo1219 Photo1230 photo Photo1290 IMAG0134 Photo1300 Photo1315 Photo1336 http://embejoetc.wordpress.com/2012/11/18/as-predicted-the-baby-did-arrive/ http://embejoetc.wordpress.com/2012/11/18/as-predicted-the-baby-did-arrive/#comments Sun, 18 Nov 2012 00:49:41 +0000 embejo http://embejoetc.wordpress.com/?p=2865 ]]>

Here he is. Meet Joel. He arrived on the 11th November, at home with my family and with the help of an excellent midwife. He weighed 9lb 3oz, or 4.1kg. It’s so good to finally hold him, and we are all so happy.

Due to the warmer temperature and the imminent due date of this baby, I am rather puffy. My ankles disappear on hot days and my toes are like little sausages. In addition to this minor complaint, I have felt a steady and powerful build up of anticipation and  hormones. It feels a bit like the build up to a monsoon. Each day gets more intense, but you’re never sure if you’re right on the brink or if you still have days or weeks to go. Not my favourite experience. Anyway, I have compiled a list of things that every day become more evident as the birth approaches. Here’s hoping labour is just around the corner.

Insomnia

As evening approaches, I feel increasingly tired. I get ready for bed as usual, wind down with a book, tuck in to sleep and then it begins. Overwhelming and persistent restlessness.

It starts with wriggling to try to get comfortable with the gargantuan baby bump in the way. There are only two sleeping positions remaining. Left side or right side. Right side is generally out because I have the increasing need for feeling space in front of me and the claustrophobia of facing the middle of the bed forces me back onto my left side.

Then I get hot feet, so I stick them out the side. Then my legs get cold. Then I get restless leg syndrome and simply can’t keep still. Then inevitably, the baby starts wriggling uncomfortably. Or I get heart burn. Or thirsty. Or need to pee. And so it goes on. I get up and try all manner of things. Have a drink, go to the toilet, change clothes, have a shower, read a book, listen to music. It doesn’t seem to matter what I do, nothing settles me. It seems as though my body is simply determined and it WILL NOT SLEEP until the clock ticks around to approximately 1am.

Last night it was 1:45am…I climbed back into bed after a middle of the night shower and finally drifted off to sleep. This of course is all perfect preparation for the nights when I’ll be up with a baby who also simply WILL NOT SLEEP.

The Belly. How I see it.

Mood swings

One minute I’m feeling happy, energetic, motivated and positive about the birth. Then a family member happens to leave crumbs on the counter, or drips water on the clean floor, or leaves toys scattered about under my feet then beware of Hulk Mum. Screeching scoldings follow, and rants about having ‘Just cleaned this house!’ and “FIVE minutes! Can’t it just stay tidy for FIVE minutes?!” The tone of voice is piercingly unpleasant and whiney, the facial expression is dark and scary. 

Hell hath no fury.

But wait…only a few moments after the Hulk attack, scary Mum dissolves into a puddle of tears and slumps down on a chair and weeps out apologies for the rage. I feel like a terrible mother and wonder what I am doing with all these children and how on earth I am going to cope with another. I sniffle away for a while. The children are getting used to it and offer hugs or just quietly walk past and tell their Dad matter-of-factly “When I walked past Mum she was crying”. Which leads me to the next two.

Weeping

I think I have cried every day for the last 7-10 days. Under normal circumstances, I’m not a frequent crier. But wow. Various things can set me off at the moment.

At our trip to the beach last weekend, I cried because I wanted to swim, but it was a bit cold for me, so I cried in the hot sun for about 25 minutes at my own pathetic-ness.

The other day I cried because Ben was catching flies with his bare hands, and put one it a jar. It died and spawned all it’s disgusting little larvae out into the jar and the kids showed me. I cried because it was repulsive to me “Get it out! Get it out of the house, it’s disgusting!” I said as I burst into tears at the sheer yuckiness.

I cry when I realise how moody and difficult I am and how kind my husband and family are to put up with me so patiently.

I cry when I feel overwhelmed at all the things that are on over the next 2 months. Birthday (four of them), end of year events, Christmas, and of course a birth.

And when it all gets too much, I cry because I’m so tired of crying all the time. Yes. I know.

Nesting

Today I woke up feeling tired from lack of sleep, and could quite happily have spent the day in bed. However, around mid-morning, an overwhelming desire to have a clean and tidy house came over me and I found myself cleaning, sorting and tidying obsessively. Again, under normal circumstance, while I like clean and tidy, I’m not a clean freak. Today however, I want to rid my house of every grain of dirt, every dust bunny under the beds, and every grubby mark on the walls. I’ve wiped and swept and tidied random items away. I couldn’t wait a moment longer, and set up the birth pool, laid out towels and sheets and blankets and prepared baby clothes. The family are all well aware that the house has to stay tidy at all times because (and I quote Hulk Mum verbatim) :

“The labour will only start when everything is ready, so the house has to stay tidy all the time or the baby will NEVER come!”

And Hulk Mum believes that implicitly.

Tricky imposter contractions and twinges

By this I mean any of the following sneaky little things that make you feel like labour might actually be starting.

• Braxton Hicks contractions
• Sharp jabs and pains in the cervix (sorry)
• Lower back ache

These come and make themselves known, and just when you start to have a flicker of hope that Operation Deliver Baby is “Go for Launch” they all stop immediately and snicker away delighted that they have fooled you yet again. It’s worse now that it’s my 5th pregnancy and those sneaky little buggers STILL get me. Every. Single. Time.

Preoccupation with labour

Bet you can’t guess what I’m thinking about?

99% of the time I am thinking about the birth. The baby. The labour. The signs of labour.

Is everything ready? Will everything go smoothly? What time will it all happen? Will the children be good and happy throughout? Will the baby be in a good position? Will I bleed to death? Will I cope with the pain? Will the baby be normal? Will the midwife respect my wishes? Will I freak out or have a Hulk Mum attack during the labour? Will I ever go into labour? Will I be pregnant forever? Will the baby be ok? Will I deliver naturally? Is that a contraction I am feeling? Is it going to be today?

Etc. etc. ad nauseum.

Hence this post.

So who knows? It could be today, tomorrow or next week. These bizarre behaviours will continue to increase (God help us) and the intensity will build and build and I will cry and tantrum. But then suddenly it will be all happening and then it will be over and I’ll come back here all serene and euphoric and maternal, and tell you all about it.