What’s on my mind

I’m so very very tired. I had a disturbed sleep last night (again) with R8 months waking for his nightly fix, as well as B3 waking with a wet bed. Sigh…I’m so tired of being tired. I just can’t function, and we are so bored, but I just don’t have the energy to do anything.

I tried today. E5 is desperate to do ballet lessons and we’ve said she can start something in the new year, so today she asked me if we can start looking. I said yes, but the day went to custard so I should never have tried.

First I couldn’t find the yellow pages, so searched online instead. E5 sat with me and her girly chatter was so distracting I could hardly read the information. I found a few websites and contact details of local places, so started a spreadsheet of info on each one so I’d have a record of what each one offers when I get around to ringing them.

Then I accidentally deleted most of the phone numbers I’d recorded, so had to reload all the pages, during which time the computer decided to freeze. Aaaarrgggh.

After lunch the plan was to set off and visit one of the 6 places on the list to get a feel for the place, and get some information first hand. R8months refused to breast feed, and only ate a little food, but we set off. I knew the road, but didn’t remember seeing the dance studio before. After the 15 minute drive, we cruised up and down the street looking for number 250. Found 248, and next to it, where 250 was supposed to be…nothing. Well, not nothing, something. An empty shop face with workmen inside. Sigh. Home again.

E5 was so tearfully disappointed that she didn’t get to go inside a real ballet school, that I said we’d go home and get the address of the next place and try another. So, 15 minute drive back home. 15 minute drive to next place and we arrived to the correct street number to find the said school down a drive way lined with cars and only on teeny weeny place to park right out front of a panel beater or something and had I parked there no doubt I’d have blocked some customer Besides, I was in the van and didn’t think I could reverse parallel park in on the left hand side without considerable stress. The school itself was up a staircase on level two. The said staircase and closed door and panel beaters shop in eye view put me off taking all the kids in. Just cause I’m tired…..I’d didn’t want to:

1. Find a park on the street.

2. Unpack everyone

3. Walk past panel beaters shop with B3 cause he’d want to stop and look

4. Climb said staircase carrying R8 months and

5. Find no one there.

I considered just popping in by myself, but that would mean leaving everyone in their seats in the car and this would not do because:

1. It was flippin’ hot in the car with the a/c turned off and there was noway I’d leave the keys inside and

2. the nearest street parking was a fair way down the road and too far to leave the kids safely.

So with much grumbling about”….stupid stupid people who have a ballet school in some run down old building with no car parking…..”(Yes, that’s what I said in. Yes the kids heard me.) we went back home. Oh and now this makes me sick. I said to E5

“When I’m tired, please don’t ask me anything. You’ve pushed me too hard today and I should never have tried to do this. I’ll look for your ballet lessons when I’m ready. Please don’t keep asking me again.”

How could I make her feel like it was her fault! I’d said ‘yes’ for goodness sake and she was already feeling terribly disappointed. Poor kid. Me Guilty. Guilty. Guilty.

On returning home I told the big ones to watch TV and R8months has since then refused to sleep. I dont’ want them watching TV, it’s just I dont’ even have the energy to talk to them. I know someone is thinking

“Don’t be so hard on yourself….you’ve just had a bad day and blah blah blah…”

Yes, I know, but there are just too many bad days lately. I’m tired All the Time! They watch TV too much All the Time!

I know the kinds of day I want to have with the children. I know all the things we’d love to do, but they require me having enough energy. And it’s not even high energy activities really. I can’t believe I’m going to home school them and I really hope I can sort this out soon (this tiredness I mean) becuase I’m starting to wonder if I’ll cope and yet, it’s what I really want to do!

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