Ugh

Ugh. Feeling terrible, and trying to remember that feelings are just that. Feelings. They don’t change anything. They are not fact. SO even if it feels like there is no hope for better, that the past ten years have been a disaster, and that the next ten will be the same, that doesn’t mean it’s truth.

I’m a little tired, which always makes things feel worse. And I’m revisiting my faith, and questioning almost everything I’ve ever believed. I am tired of swallowing down what people preach, peoples’ good ideas or traditions and not having a solid foundation of truth. It’s time for me to revisit things and find Truth for myself. It’s a very unsettling feeling to go through this process. I am holding on to what I know: God is good. Better than I could imagine. And Jesus is the Way, Truth and Life. This I know. At least a little, and I’m hanging on to that while I feel like everything around me is shaking. Including my marriage…we’re not on the rocks but there are some cracked foundations…some long standing issues that have never been built right and I’m guessing it’s going to be rather difficult to rebuild them when there is ten years of life and children and parenting and stuff built on top. Somewhere too, in that pile, are some dusty dreams…it’s too painful to let them go after having loved them for so long, and terrifying to hold on and hope, for fear that they will come to nothing.

It’s days like these my struggle is to find rest. To find that restful peaceful place where I trust in God’s goodness, and to be grateful for all the wonderful things in my life. Because honestly, as terrible as it feels today, the reality is, the truth is, I am so incredibly blessed. I am living a privileged life. Yes I’ve had some disappointments, but I have never had to beg for food, I’ve never had to put my children to bed hungry, and we’ve always had a place called home. We have a house, and food and clothes, good health and freedom, and much much more.

I might feel like I’ve been through a meat grinder, but actually all is well.

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6 thoughts on “Ugh

  1. hello beautiful,
    loads and loads of love and kisses.
    i was sniffing to hubby over the skype this morning (cos he was at work, all day) that my mid-life crisis is still going strong two years later.
    loads of questions here too X

    • Thanks Katie-who-I’ve-never-met-but-feel-like-I-have.
      Maybe we’ll always have questions. I like to have everything sewn up, but maybe we need to find peace with not actually knowing everything! Gees..

  2. Sounds a bit like my week – tearful (missing hubby) and wondering if we have done the right thing – but a good thing that feelings do pass!! Don’t let go of those dreams – dreams are so important as I am rediscovering – Love you – you are a very special lady!!

    • That’s a scary feeling aye..I’ve had those kind of doubts before. It’s not nice. My conclusion usually is “well what’s done is done….if it was a mistake at least make the best of it!” ahahah but I doubt you’ve made a mistake…you’re just a bit wobbly as you find your feet. It will all feel much better when H arrives. Hang in there…you seem to be doing so well xo

    • Your comment intrigues me Nix…would love to talk about it if you want to… I’m finding most of my questions remain unanswered but seem less important after the epic weekend. But I hope you’re ok.xo

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