Ugh. Feeling terrible, and trying to remember that feelings are just that. Feelings. They don’t change anything. They are not fact. SO even if it feels like there is no hope for better, that the past ten years have been a disaster, and that the next ten will be the same, that doesn’t mean it’s truth.
I’m a little tired, which always makes things feel worse. And I’m revisiting my faith, and questioning almost everything I’ve ever believed. I am tired of swallowing down what people preach, peoples’ good ideas or traditions and not having a solid foundation of truth. It’s time for me to revisit things and find Truth for myself. It’s a very unsettling feeling to go through this process. I am holding on to what I know: God is good. Better than I could imagine. And Jesus is the Way, Truth and Life. This I know. At least a little, and I’m hanging on to that while I feel like everything around me is shaking. Including my marriage…we’re not on the rocks but there are some cracked foundations…some long standing issues that have never been built right and I’m guessing it’s going to be rather difficult to rebuild them when there is ten years of life and children and parenting and stuff built on top. Somewhere too, in that pile, are some dusty dreams…it’s too painful to let them go after having loved them for so long, and terrifying to hold on and hope, for fear that they will come to nothing.
It’s days like these my struggle is to find rest. To find that restful peaceful place where I trust in God’s goodness, and to be grateful for all the wonderful things in my life. Because honestly, as terrible as it feels today, the reality is, the truth is, I am so incredibly blessed. I am living a privileged life. Yes I’ve had some disappointments, but I have never had to beg for food, I’ve never had to put my children to bed hungry, and we’ve always had a place called home. We have a house, and food and clothes, good health and freedom, and much much more.
I might feel like I’ve been through a meat grinder, but actually all is well.