It’s been busy. Good busy, but a little too busy. And the next 6 weeks have too many thing in them. I can’t hold it all in my head and have to rely on having things written down somewhere else.
This feels too complicated. I’d much rather live so light that I can carry everything in my head. Too many things on the calendar feels like having too many possessions – it overwhelms me in exactly the same way. I’m anxious that something will sneak up on me and I’ll be unprepared.
I feel at times there is pressure from too many sides at once and it squeezes my brain. But as much as i don’t like it, sometimes the extra pressure is a good thing…think toothpaste tube analogy – when under pressure, what’s inside comes out.
So yesterday out of nowhere we got squeezed. What could have just been a normal family irritation – a little squeeze, ended up squelching a whole lot of stuff out of the tube. A harsh expression…gesture even… lead to a heart rending fight/discussion/conversation (none and all of these). Issues. So many damn issues. Painful truths. Tears. Doubts. Disappointments. Pressure. Hurts. Failure.
The kind of moment that makes your head spin. I felt dizzy with the emotion of it. I sat there and thought about my life for a moment, and was genuinely shocked that I was in this situation. I actually grew up thinking it would be pretty reasonable to expect to be happy most of the time. I’m an optimist, so when things go wrong I sometimes find it hard to register…hard to understand that my life maybe hasn’t actually turned out the way I expected.
I am so relational, so relationship focused, that marriage cracks and flaws spells F-A-I-L-U-R-E to me. I felt completely worthless. If I can fail so miserably and so unknowingly…. What’s the word when you have been deluded, then get UN-deluded? I think I got undeluded. About myself. Like when you think you’re doing ok…not perfect, but ok. And then you find out that actually you’re not doing so well after all. That mistakes you’ve made have had deep impact. That the consequences carry on…and on…
There were silences. Uncomfortable silences, as we processed what the other had just said. Shocked sometimes. And hurt.
There were tears. Sobs. Crying out loud. The kind that makes your face scrunch up all ugly and leaves you red and puffy and exhausted.
There were ‘sorry’s.
There was more silence as we realised we had come to the end of words, the end of knowing how to untangle the mess.
This isn’t what we signed up for.
We prayed. Stilted. Tearful. God help us.
Nothing left, we gathered our treasures and went to a green place and just laid still under the clouds. How nature soothes!
Children came for love and cuddles. For reassurance. Without knowing it, they are cheering for us. They, more than anyone on the earth are on our side. They need us the most. So four at once piled on in a tumbled weight of bodies needing answers to the eternal question…”Am I loved?” Yes, yes yes yes. Just as you are. Each one. Yes, yes, yes, yes and yes again. And I think they heard because soon they ran, filled up inside to play as children are supposed to.
So somehow the sun and the trees and the sky soothed the raw edges.
And I can’t explain what happened, but suddenly at home, in the middle of domesticity, Grace came. He came and loved us. The two of us together. He loved us. He restored and reunited and loved us. A sweet, sweet hour of unexpected tenderness and love and beauty.
I can’t explain these things. But He answered. And in one day, just one day there is hope.