Thinking out loud

I’m listening to preaching and am not impacted. I am not hungry for supernatural things. I’m not sure if it’s an indication of the state of my heart, or what? I feel like we are perpetually waiting for something.

It’s a new day.

We’re coming to a new season.

We’re crossing over.

God has something new for us.

I’ve been hearing these phrases all of my christian life. I’m tired of being on the brink of something. I think I’m just down right cynical. Or is that skeptical? I’m not sure which. Maybe both.

There are some people in town, speaking at meetings in a conference. I’m not there. I don’t want to be there. I don’t really get it. I used to get it. I used to go to these things eager to learn. But now I don’t want to spend my life in meetings. I don’t even like the word. Meetings.

I have a friend who moved overseas earlier this year… in response to God. They’ve had a really tough year. And I was chatting to her the other night and she said something that made me really stop and think. What she said is less important than how she said it. She had learned something. And she knew it with conviction. I don’t think she could have learned this through any amount of preaching. It was a lesson learned that showed me dramatic growth and maturity in her faith. And it came through experience. Through living life in all of its messy, painful imperfection and finding God in the midst of it.

I on the other hand feel like I’m not really living. Not growing in my faith. Yet I don’t think the answer for me is to listen to more preaching. I need to start practicing what I believe. I need to press into God for His life. I need to know His presence for myself in my everyday life. I want to have stories to tell of His goodness. I want to see His provision in my life. I want to hear what He’s saying. I want to know His goodness and experience His promises in my life.

I guess what I’m saying is that a meeting is an unreal situation. It’s not real life. It’s a pause. And that’s ok. But there are so many meetings! I want to know God and see God move in my life in the real bits.

Like in the ugly moments like when our marriage is creaking and straining and hurting. In the hard moments, like when my child is angry too often and we don’t know why. When my time is not enough to meet all the needs and I feel stretched this way and that and completely inadequate to the task of loving, nurturing, and teaching these children. I want to know God’s grace and peace and provision THEN.

When I am overwhelmed and sleep deprived and can’t think straight. When the funds seem too little and the needs seem too many. When I doubt that my life will count. When I fear that my dreams will come to nothing. When I want to take control of everything. In those times I want to learn to trust Him.

I want to see Him in the times when my eyes are stinging with tears and rage at the corruption of a little girl, crippled and twisted in her wheel chair watching her friend play on a slide. And there’s nothing I can do. And I know I can pray but I’m so scared He won’t do anything and I can’t bring myself to speak. Then she cries as they gently lift her out of her chair to ride on the train because she’s terrified and vulnerable without her chair. And still all I can do is sit there and break. I want to know God THEN.


One thought on “Thinking out loud

  1. It actually sounds like you are going through a lot of the thoughts and feelings we have and God will teach you right here and now in your own moment and through your own circumstances. I think God IS moving in the real life bits for you. That’s why your brain is going so fast and furious. (Sounds like a movie)

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