I am grateful.
Around December 2009 something lead me to a decision to let people into my life, my home, and my heart. I had been defensive and guarded for a long time. Forever maybe…not sure. (Although my experience being a mother shows me that babies are born with their hearts wide open.) Perhaps gradually along the way I changed. I guess we all do. But anyway, I’d had enough of being private, closed and unknown.
I knew I wanted to change this. And now, just over a year later, I find myself in a completely different situation.
Our home is busy and full of people. Coming and goings and with it lots of mess. And sometimes is crowded and sometimes I really really wanna be alone. Sometimes we all need space from each other. And sometimes it’s just inconvenient. But you know what? I’d sure as heck prefer having people than not.
I have some new friends. And some old friends now know me much better, as I find myself less afraid to be the real me. It’s still not always easy, to let the guard down. But I’m starting to realise that most people have the same insecurities that I do. And I’m still dealing with them. Some days I feel completely insecure and question my friendships, peoples’ motives and my own. I sometimes feel like people are just tolerating me. I sometimes feel like people are just being polite. Sometimes… no, often, I feel like an inconvenience. And sometimes feel like I’m less important to some who are very important to me. But I’m just going to keep putting myself out there and taking the risk. The risk of hurt and disappointment and looking like a fool, yes..because I have come to realise that it’s the way we are meant to be. Open. Like Children. They wear their hearts on their sleeves and love with all of themselves. It’s beautiful and vulnerable. It sucks to be guarded and afraid all the time.
I’m finding that the vast majority of the time, the outcome of making myself real or vulnerable is a good one. Most people are NOT out to judge me. In fact I have found that when I have been honest with people, and they get to know my messed up side, they feel safe with me too, and a friendship can grow.
And with this whole opening up thing, I am becoming less afraid and more confident. I love meeting new people. I want people to come visit me. I want to visit people. I don’t care so much what people think of me or the state of the house, because I’m finding that most of the time they are more worried about what I think of them. Aren’t we ridiculous.
We have a stranger coming to stay in a couple of weeks. He was hitchhiking on Boxing Day and we picked him up. (This is also amazing for me because for a while I wouldn’t want to even give someone a ride because it would necessitate actually speaking to someone..oh God. I sound mentally ill.) Anyway, we gave him our details and yep, he’s coming to stay with us before he leaves the country. And I’m so excited, I can’t wait to get to know him. Like I said, I love people.